i recently read something that a kinky friend wrote (on her non-kinky blog) about being out and it got me thinking about my “out” journey.
i got divorced in 1996 because i fell in love with a woman and i thought it meant i was gay. my kids were in elementary school and i was the soccer mom the other one’s whispered about.i wasn’t in-your-face out but i wasn’t hiding either.
It was a scary time because i lived in a place where it was still very possible to lose custody of children for being non-heterosexual.
Luckily, my ex didn’t go there.
But what if he had? What would i have done?
i know what i would have done… absolutely anything necessary to keep my kids. i would have left that woman. i would have denied and buried an integral part of myself. i would have made any sacrifice. i’m grateful i didn’t have to.
Now i have another ‘secret’
i’m kinky; but not just kinky (cuz that’s almost become socially acceptable.) i’m submissive; and not just submissive. i’m a slave – living in a 24/7 consensual power exchange relationship.
i used to own a home and a car. Now i own nothing. Instead, i am owned. And i am happy – the happiest i’ve been in my entire life, in fact.
Yet, i hide this part of myself from parts of the world. my kids know -not details but they know- and it matters not.
But when i told my best friend of 29 years, our relationship changed…for a while it ended. We talk again now but it’s different; which is interesting because i’m not different. i’m still me. i’m the same person i’ve always been. i’ve just allowed more of me to come to the surface.
i came all the way out to me…and i like me better because of it.
i could choose to be all-the-way-out, in every area of my life but i’m not because there would be costs and i guess i’m not willing to pay them.
- i might have to deal with some people’s wrath.
- More people might leave my life or stay in it and just get weird (and not in the good way.)
- Some people might even try to cause me harm.
Fear. It causes humans to react, and overreact, in so many ways.
Unless you’re being chased by a bear, fear is useless!
i say that, and yet, i’m putting this here and not on Facebook… and there is no bear in the room :/
…my out-journey continues