i’ve had a lot of work to do around healing from some pretty lousy stuff that has happened in my life. Some of it when i was a kid; some of it when i was a teen; some of it when i was in my early twenties.
i know i’m not alone.
i learned something this week. It was kinda big and i thought, “Jeez, if i’m still having epiphanies like this after all the energy i’ve put into healing, maybe someone else could benefit from my lesson.” So here ya go…
i have forgotten the details..
about some of the things that happened; some are indelibly etched in my memory. What i have not forgotten about any of it are the feelings.
And i don’t mean the anger. That took time but relatively speaking, it was the easiest to overcome.
It’s the other stuff; the guilt and shame that turned thoughts into beliefs which eventually showed up as pseudo-facts about my worth. That’s the really gooey stuff!
Experience has taught me that to heal i have to grieve whatever pieces of my past show up and let me know they need it. They say the stages of that process are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Seems about right.
But after the other day, i’m adding another stage called replenishment.
my recent epiphany
i had a pretty big tailspin episode a couple of days before writing this and Master said something really powerful in the midst of my meltdown…i’m not sure he realized how potent it was, but then again maybe he did, he’s pretty awesome like that :)
While i was shaking and sobbing, he placed himself on top of me so i could feel grounded; tethered by his physical weight (because in that kind of moment, the emotional and spiritual tether that is always present, is beyond my ability to feel).
He held my wrists and instructed me to look right at him; right into his eyes. Eventually, i was able to and when i did he said, “Do you feel me, my pet?”
i couldn’t answer. i couldn’t speak if i wanted to, but i could see, truly see something in his eyes, and feel it pouring out of him and into me and that “something” was his deep and abiding love for me. And i think he sensed it because next he said, (and this is the really potent piece),
“I want you to let that fill you. Let that take the place of those other things that aren’t true and have no place here.”
And something clicked.
i realized that the missing part of what needs to happen for me to really heal is replenishment.
Nature abhors a vacuum and so you cannot simply eliminate something, without having something else ready to replace it. Otherwise, something –perhaps the same thing– will rush in to fill the space.
With his words, in that moment, Master gave substance to the love that has always been there but that didn’t have a shape i could grasp beforehand. Now i have a way to harness “feeling him” so that it can seep into the cracks of my broken places and displace what i’ve wanted to release but haven’t known how. And in the process i am replenished.